Thursday, December 18, 2008

Suitor Number Fifteen



Hello ladies. Meet Symo. With such a vast array of subjects on his blog (including sports), Symo can whisper sweetly in your ear about almost anything. He’s the fresh meat in the blogosphere so be sure to check him out nice and hard. 

Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease?
 
Oh good Lord no... they won't return my calls.


True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's. 
 
False. That's just not feasible.


Rate your flexiblity on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo.
 
4.  Some parts are stiffer than others!


Your stick is: wood or composite
Wood.  Pure, hard, natural wood (baby).

Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that 

(note: C will result in application denial)
d. She's breathing, so technically I'd have to vote c, but I'd shoot myself afterward.


Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
 
b.  I spoke with his doctor.


You like to go: top shelf or five hole
 
Sometimes it won't fit in the 5 hole, so THEN I go top shelf.


High heels at games; yes or no
 
Oh hell yes.  Flats and sandals are for women who don't want to get laid (by men at least).  

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy? 
 
Who do I look like, Michael Caine?  

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your soft ass. How much do you love me? 
 
I'm scared of NO man that speaks French.


Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for their birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that they want. Do you still buy them the jersey?
 
Absoultely.  See the next answer....


Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that. 
 
Nothings hotter than pulling that jersey over her head and _____ (<--- fill in, must start with f) the hell out of her.


The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
 
If it's Alyssa, then yes.
 
A girl is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive?
 
No.  Pink jerseys look about the same crumpled up in the corner as a regular jersey.  Makes it easier to find in the morning too.
You're at a hockey game and your team is loosing and you look pissed. An ice girl approaches you and asks to cheer you up. Do you accept a blow job or a hand job?
 
Blow me.  You ever see a woman drive a stick shift?  Not many of them are good at THAT (but when they are... ).
 

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Bonus Suitorettes: Twofer Edition!

Hello gents. I have a two pack for you. The lovely dames over at Puck Huffers did a joint survey. These ladies know what's up. Yeah and you have to buy dinner for both. Can you handle that?




Your hockey boyfriend loses a fight. Does his ass sleep on the couch? Or do you nurse him back to health?
Neither of us dates a loser. The YouTubes of him being punched repeatedly in the head were obviously illusory. Keep in mind, however, that losing a fight is better than not fighting at all.

The Ovechkin Question; do you like rides on Segways?
No. If Alex Ovechkin expressed interest in the Segway, it probably has at least 8 secret uses as an instrument of torture and sexual assault. In fact, Ovechkin has made them recognized by law as an accessory to rape in 12 states. We'd be arrested on site.

The Staal Question: one you've done one, you've done them all?
No. Really the only ones we're open to are Jordan and Eric. Jared was drafted by the Coyotes, so we'd protect him from Gretzky in a theoretical shower scene as a matter of principle, but Marc is a Ranger so we really don't want anything to do with him. Really, the Staals are like high school lunches. We're not excited for any of them, but if we're hungry we can find some with redeeming qualities. Our answer to this question obviously has nothing to do with hockey skills.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya?
It isn't a date until someone breaks out the remote control monster trucks. What kind of dates are you losers going on?

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's.
Zoë desperately wishes her ass looked that good. Kim is too dehydrated to comment.

I like my sticks; stiff and straight or curved for performance?
It depends on how you like to play the puck. Sometimes it's best to use a straight stick and get a fancy play going. Other times, it's best to just shove that shit in and hope you get enough wood on it to succeed. Our pants would make terrible goaltenders.

Put yourself in Sidney Crosby's shoes. You're living with Mario Lemieux. Give a detailed plan of how you're going to get it done. Then send all suggestions to Sidney Crosby along with a bottle of champagne, strawberries, and a smooth Jazz CD.
Tell Armstrong to shut up because he'll get you two caught. Tell Mario that some children in the Hill District need to be read to for charity, which ought to distract him for several hours. Make sure the bedroom windows are open so no one smells the pot. Eat ten bags of cheesy popcorn while watching Scary Movie 3, cop a feel, make sure there's an old pillowcase nearby in case of an emergency.

Later, open the Post-Gazette and realize that the literacy rate among Hill District elementary school students has increased 150% overnight.


Pierre McGuire
a) looks like a penis
b) is a penis
c) just made you throw up a little inside your mouth.
d) makes you rock back and forth hands over your ears shrieking "make it stop."

All of the above. And also provided the most homoerotic commentary ever during the 2008 draft on Versus. We wouldn't let our kids near him.

Todd Bertuzzi is _____________
Someone we haven't thought about in years.


High heels at games; yes or no
High heels are for formal occasions and looking good when you're out and about. Hockey games are about mad skillz, violence, and watching people's lives get ruined. The only reason you might need them is if Talbot yells out the name of the bar everyone's going to after the game and it turns out to be a slightly nicer establishment. But when you're in the arena, wearing heels should be punishable by death. You could also use them to beat the guy in front of you yelling SHOOT THE PUCK if need be, but in that case you're still not wearing them.


Your boyfriend wants a custom jersey for his birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that he wants. Do you still buy him the jersey?
We would only ever date Penguins fans. If a guy wants another team's jersey, he'll have to start looking for new chicks to bang.

Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit

The man who accredited the Penguins' incredible Game 5 SCF win to Gary Roberts because Talbot was sitting next to him on the bench at one point. So we're pretty sure he's full of shit, but a glorious technicolor shit.


Ladies: your boyfriend asks for a Don Cherry suit for his birthday. is he
a) gay
b) trying to dress up his inner douche bag.
c) he's only doing it for funsies
Not only gay, but awesome. We want to be seen in public with him even more.

Your boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that.
Put the Youngblood DVD in and start fucking.


I like my goalies....
a. standing up
b. butterfly
c. hybrid
d. on their back
Hopefully all of the above over the course of a two-hour motel stay. We take this opportunity to publicly announce that we'd like John Curry to be involved in this somehow. We'd invite Marc-André but we understand he's busy. Sabu can watch if he doesn't have anything better to do, like play WoW or watch Teletubbies.

Finally, what would the title of your hockey porn be and what would the set up be?

Get in My Crease: Three guys park themselves in the blue paint of the opposing goaltender, trying to break a scoreless tie in the final thirty seconds of the game during a power play, with their two best point-men firing shot after sexual shot at the net. After the essential tip-in at 00:12, a ref's call of goaltender interference turns into a bench-clearing brawl. Everyone ends up naked in front of the goal. The ice quality decreases rapidly.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Suitor Number Fourteen


Helllooo ladies. Meet Nicholas from Pittsburgh Sports and Mini Ponies. Now, even though we’re talking mini ponies, Nicholas’s writing is definitely of horse caliber. And, while we’re on the topic of horses, I’m gong to drop a subtle hint and let you guess what he’s hung like…. Enjoy.


Have you ever dated or been associated with Elisha Cuthbert, Alyssa Milano or Hillary Duff? If yes, have you been recently tested for a venereal disease? Hillary Duff once, but then Lohan got mad at me. So Comrie was her backup fling.

True or false: My ass is bigger than Sidney Crosby's. My ass? Perhaps. Your ass? I'd have to see pictures

Rate your flexiblity on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Kyle Wellwood and 10 is Roberto Luongo. Well, this is Z Harmony, so I'm off the charts, baby!

Your stick is: wood or composite. Huh huh...wood.


Sarah Palin is......
a. destroying hockey
b. using it for political gain
c. I'd tap that 

(note: C will result in application denial)
 
D. Saving hockey by destroying Philly and Columbus. Can we get her to go to D.C.?



Don Cherry is....
a. full of shit
b. composed entirely of shit
 
A piece of shit that wears shit on top of his shit. You follow?


You like to go: top shelf or five hole
 
Why not both? I'm not against having a multi-goal game...ladies...

High heels at games; yes or no Yes, until I broke an ankle trying to get the attention of the beer vendor.

Role playing potential: can your acting skills rival the likes of Derek Roy? Only if my future mate can rival Jarkko Ruutu...I mean...

My dad is Michael Therrien. He says he wants to meet your soft ass. How much do you love me? I've met Michel. He's taken a look at my soff ass, but never my soft one.


Your girlfriend wants a custom jersey for their birthday. But you utterly hate and despise the team and the player that they want. Do you still buy them the jersey? Yeah, and then burn it in front of her.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you if "you wanna go? you wanna go" in a thick canadian accent. Explain your following actions in detail. Slower....yeah. Just like that. I'd say "Yeah, baby," then proceed to get my ass beat down because I misinterpreted the question.

The Slapshot question: On a date, would you bring your fucken toys with ya? Only my Ninja Tutles figurines...wait...wrong toys.

 
A girl is wearing a pink hockey jersey. but you find out she know about everything about hockey. she is smart, witty, can rattle off stanley cup teams from years ago. does the pink jersey make her less attractive? YES, but we can work past it.
 

 
You're at a hockey game and your team is loosing and you look pissed. An ice girl approaches you and asks to cheer you up. Do you accept a blow job or a hand job? As I said before, multi-goal games are my specialty. I'll score more than once.